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depression

This is not normal depression, following a relationship breakdown, bereavement or other sad event.  A clinical bipolar depression is far worse than that and a high proportion of Bipolar sufferers end their lives or attempt to, as a result of this crushing depression

What Bipolar Depression Means for Me

I begin by feeling low.  I have no energy.  I stop doing things that I enjoy as they seem too trivial and pointless.  I have difficulty concentrating and remembering anything. I become tired, withdrawn and sullen whilst I try and cope with work, relationships and important matters in my life. This is noticeable to my friends and family whom may ask me if I am ok.  I will say yes and make a joke out of it!

 Depression and mania share one thing. Decisions made in either extreme can be spur of the moment and the sufferer often lives to regret the decisions made.  I know that I have made big mistakes attributable to a depressed mood as well as when I am in the high mood.  The biggest mistake anyone can make is to commit suicide and that would be attributable mainly to a depressed mood.

The depression worsens and I avoid people I would normally associate with.  This can cause upsets as they may get the impression that I no longer love/care about them or want to be friends etc with them any longer.  The truth is that when I get so down I do not want to meet, be with or have contact, even by telephone with anyone, including those that I love.  This Phase of my Bipolar depression can go on for a few weeks and just when I think I have reached rock bottom it gets worse.  It becomes an overwhelming depression.  All thoughts other than those of bleakness go out of my mind. Thoughts of death and suicide become an issue.  I struggle to wash, shave or leave the house.  Churchill called this "His Black Dog". I sincerely hope I have had my last visit from Winston's black dog.

I get physical symptoms.  Heightened anxiety, panic attacks, agoraphobia, stomach problems, vision problems, excessive sweating, dry mouth, tremors, disturbed sleep.  My thoughts race but not complete thoughts, just snippets.  Down and down I go with these physical symptoms occupying my every thought.  I don't want to go out to work, to shop, to walk, for fear of meeting someone that I may have to be pleasant to or maybe they will see me and guess that I am mentally unwell.  

The days turn into weeks then months.  I take my medications against a backdrop of suicidal thoughts and of wishing I could just have a heart attack or something to put me out of my misery.  Each morning I wake up too early and try and do something with my time but for me only medications help.  Sleeping pills, anti-depressants, mood stabilisers are my life for a while but really it is a case of taking pills for a long time before any noticeable change takes place.  It is as if my body shuts down and then begins to start up again when it is ready. My depressions last 4 or 5 months.  Then I forget most of what it felt like and I blame it on an event or a person just trying to make sense out of the unexplainable.  The next depression when or if it comes, will come as a shock to me as somehow the mood extremes fade from my memory.

Everyone gets depressed or down at times.  The depression for someone with Bipolar Affective Order is far worse than normal unhappiness/depression and that is a medical fact so unless you are bipolar you will not be able to appreciate how bad it is. 

My advice is to get good medical support ask your GP if your area has crisis teams and whether you can have a CPN assigned to you. Put off making any life changing decisions until you are well again. I have made decisions in depression and regretted most of them.

If you suffer like me with this illness then good luck and remember that you aren't alone email me if you want to talk John