My Story

This is now my 5th attempt at "My Story".  I have changed parts of it to avoid upsetting my family. 

I have been described as impulsive, impetuous, talented, passionate, charismatic, the life and soul of the party, an extrovert bordering on eccentric, wacky, a strong leader, not one of your duller individuals and a few other less memorable good things.  On the other hand I have been called weird, boring, selfish, lacking compassion, a ditherer, anti-social, moody and a nutcase.  I am all of these things, good and bad. Such is the human mind (and mine is lacking a certain chemical "serotonin", which affects my moods ).  I am not mad, mentally unstable or have a weak personality. It is only, the bigger than normal mood swings that makes me different.

Due to having this illness, (Bipolar Affective Disorder), my life has been and still is, an emotional rollercoaster ride. I wish it was something other than a rollercoaster, maybe a magic carpet ride would be nice, but it isn't that.  It is my personal white knuckle ride of emotions. A rollercoaster from hell, which never stops for long and sometimes hurtles along out of control.  I am on it, on my own, at times, lonely, up to the extreme highs and the inevitable rock bottom lows.  I often take people onto it, promising them a magic carpet ride and they get hurt by my mood swings.  I apologise for hurting them but, I simply can't help it.  Medication will help to slow down the bipolar coaster but cannot stop it. 

I used to say that "I blow Hot and Cold", I now say "I go up and down" (like a rollercoaster). Some extreme behaviour is attributable to bipolar moods and some isn't.  I may be bad or good? Only those that really know me can judge if something I do or say, is me or the illness.  If you know me well, you will know that I have acted out of character if I have done a bad thing.  It is the unpredictable out of character behaviour, (good or bad) that may be due to me being bipolar.

In depressions I become agoraphobic sitting on the sofa staring into space thinking of suicide and death.  In mania I get involved in spur of the moment schemes that can lead me or others into trouble.  Excessive drinking is very much a symptom of the illness which causes arguments and the bipolar will accept the blame for this even if it is not always the bipolar whom is at fault. If you visit the Newspaper Articles pages of this site you will see how others experience the same patterns on this emotional bipolar rollercoaster.

Contains Possible Triggers

I was born September 1952 in a rough part of Newcastle upon Tyne, in the northeast of the UK.  I am the youngest of a family of 3 children.  I should have had 4 brothers but they all died at birth.  My father died when I was 8 months old.  Death has been all around me from an early age.  My mother remarried when I was 3, I didn't get on very well with my stepfather although he didn't mistreat me in any way.  All I can say is that I could never please him no matter how hard I tried.  I have no happy memories of him at all.  I got on well with my mother and sisters however and have happy memories of my childhood with them.  I had a stammer in my early years but g-g-g-grew out of t-t-that. 

I used to call on my grandma during school lunchtimes.  I went one day and discovered her dead, I was 11 yrs old then. Six deaths in my family in 11 years. 

I did well at school but in my last year I was more interested in, smoking, girls, motorbikes, playing guitar and music to achieve exam-wise what I should have.

At 12 years of age, I fell off my bike and was knocked unconscious, spending a few days in hospital, maybe the bash on the head didn't help?  Don't think it caused me to be bipolar though?

When I was 14 my mother developed cancer and it looked likely that she was going to die.  She sent me out for some painkillers and proceeded to take an overdose.  She survived the overdose attempt and also the cancer but I remember her asking me which of our relations I would like to live with after her death.  I grew up expecting her to die at any moment, my father was already dead, this was often on my mind.  My stepfather also had cancer and I expected him to die at any moment too.

I left school in 1968, got a job, grew my hair long and bought a motorcycle.  I partied constantly, I went to rock festivals, hitchhiked and was at all the local gigs.  I learned to play the guitar.  Experimented with Pot and LSD. Rode my bike at 100mph, I was happy! 

Q...Could smoking pot and taking LSD have been the cause of my Bipolar Disorder or did I already have it?

I met my first real girlfriend when I was 18 yrs old.  We lasted a couple of years.  She wanted to get married.  I didn't and we parted company.  We spoke on the telephone one day after parting and I arranged to call around to her flat that evening.  When I got there, there was no answer. I was worried about her. I persevered by telephoning and hammering on the door and eventually the landlady in the downstairs flat opened her door.  We had a brief conversation and she said she had seen my ex-girlfriend go in earlier. I let myself in with the landlady's key.

I found my ex-girlfriend on her bed, barely conscious. Her mouth was full of vomit and her eyes were rolling in their sockets.  I raked the vomit out of her mouth gave her mouth to mouth resuscitation and she was sick some more, so I rolled her over for the vomit to fall on the floor.  Beside the bed was an empty bottle of Tryptizol (an old antidepressant) I rang 999 for an ambulance and was told to get her to walk around whilst waiting for the ambulance. 

I hung her over my shoulder and got her to take a few steps and then the ambulance arrived.  She survived the overdose attempt, but to this day I never got to know exactly why she did it.  I blamed myself and in some way I still do.  I believe I had my first bad depressive episode a few months later. I cannot remember if it was like my later bipolar depressions but it does seem likely that it was.  I discovered recently that she is now dead aged 48.

My advice to anyone who has had a loved one or ex-partner commit suicide is to never blame yourself for the actions of others.  It is their choice to live or die and it is not your fault, if they choose to die!

At 21 yrs I met the person who would become my wife.  I now believe that around this time I went a bit manic, decided to leave my job, hometown and family for another city as I was fed up with things at home etc. We went off together firstly to Manchester and then to Liverpool this was 1974.  Whilst living and working in Liverpool I had another depression which I thought was a LSD flashback I now consider it to have been depression due to being bipolar.  We decided to come back home to Newcastle and got married the following year, 1975.

Everything went smoothly for the first 3 years. We moved to a new home in a new town but found the neighbours very clannish, argumentative and noisy.  I became unwell again but put it down to frustration/anxiety caused by the housing situation.  Looking back I think I had a minor manic spell followed by a depression.  We sold that house and moved to another house in the city of Newcastle upon Tyne.  Bad luck in this semi-detached, another neighbour from hell!  We stayed there 3 years and at this time our first daughter was born, it was 1981.  My moods were a bit up and down and I started drinking (self medication? Bipolars will understand. I now regard the drinking to be a form of unintentional self medication.). 

I explained my mood swings by saying "I blow hot and cold and I act on the spur of the moment" exactly what a bipolar does. My stepfather died of cancer in 1978.  That made 7 deaths in my family by the time I was 26 yrs old and two suicide attempts one by my mother and the other by my girlfriend.

I hit a rock bottom depression in the winter of 1982/83.  A feature of my bipolar depressions is to have physical symptoms co-existing with it. They are anxiety-like symptoms. Fatigue, sweating, hands shaking, eyesight disturbances, stomach pains and constipation alternating with diarrhoea.  I have had many trips to the doctors discussing these symptoms and have had x-rays and scans before I decided they were all dependant upon my mood, mainly during the bipolar depressive phase.  The doctor prescribed tranquilizers (Diazepam) for me.  I got hooked! After a while I decided to come off the pills due to the adverse publicity benzodiazepines were getting in the press and TV. My moods went haywire.  The Rollercoaster was rampant! In the depths of depression I made the move to our 5th house still suffering withdrawal symptoms from the tablets.

Success! This house was in a nice quiet location in a small village.  It needed a lot of work doing on it but it couldn't have been quieter, the neighbours were ok.  I settled down for a long while without any major manic depressive episodes, something like 16 years of stability and for most of that period did not drink excessively either.  Our second daughter was born in 1991 into a stable family environment. I believe that a stress free life would have helped me stay stable but I haven't led a stress free life at all.

By 1998 I was doing well at work.  I had just completed a large project at work that needed my work knowledge and skills with computers.  The biggest down in this period was my continual bouts of back pain and of irritable bowel syndrome.  I was put on an anti-depressant Amitriptyline for my irritable bowel.  Apparently an antidepressant is good for anxiety routed complaints like IBS!  But it made me go high! (Bipolars will understand). 

Our next door neighbours changed and the new ones were a lot more noticeable and noisier than the previous one.  In 1999 I went into hospital for a spinal fusion operation.  A six hour operation!  On waking I found I was hallucinating! It could have been the anaesthetic or the morphine I was given for the pain or maybe it was Bipolar induced? .  I came out of the hospital with a number of strong painkillers dihydracodeine and was taking them with the Amitriptyline and bottles of vodka too.  I recovered from the back operation quite quickly and we decided to move house again.  It Seems lots of Bipolar's move house and don't like neighbour noise in the depressive phase.

My back operation in 1999 appears to have triggered off a change in me as I certainly have had worse mood swings since then or maybe it is just a co-incidence.

During 2000 I believe I was hyper manic. Was it the Amitriptyline along with alcohol? I was drinking almost every night.  Or was it the stress of wanting to move house or all three?  Well during that year, summer mainly I hardly slept, was very pushy and insistent.  I wrote many letters and rang up many people estate agents solicitors etc. I was determined to move and nothing would stand in my way and it had to be to a detached house.  We got a buyer for our house but the sale fell through 3 times.  I believe I was pretty high and determined to move no matter what.  I narrowed the search down to 2 houses in quiet villages in Co Durham and drove the agents etc., mad with questions in my manic way. 

It made no difference to me what they told me I just kept saying "fine".  I finally submitted a mania inflamed, ridiculously low offer on one house and big surprise it was finally accepted, but then again this house needed work (a lot of work, I nicknamed it Castle Dracula).  My mania was obvious to people around me whom knew me properly.  Only at that time we did not know I had Manic Depression. They just thought I was being unreasonable.  Then a week before we were due to move, my mood changed and I became depressed.  I didn't want Castle Dracula then and tried to back out but didn't have the energy to do that so we moved just before Christmas 2000.  I was in a really low mood and I had all the work to do to make Castle Dracula liveable.  It was almost derelict.

Winter is the time that I can get depressed although it doesn't happen every year.  We moved to Castle Dracula actually named Braesyde, the house had been neglected for 30 years and its location on a main road wasn't ideal but I saw potential in it.  I think anyone would have had to be a bit manic to take it on.  I forced myself to work on it through the "winter of my discontent".  It is almost impossible for me to do anything whilst depressed as I was fumbling and shaking and wishing I hadn't bought the house.  I felt like giving it away more than once.  The depression was so bad I went to the doctors for the first time (2000), for depression.  He put me on Effexor (Venlofaxine) and I gradually came out of the depression but went straight into hyper mania.  (A bipolar should not be on anti-depressants without a mood stabiliser.)  My rollercoaster took me up and then down then back up again.

Whilst I was high in 2002 I was all over the place in true manic ways, I became a justice of the peace (JP), started things at an alarming rate. I got back into my youthful interests, watching bands, visiting speedway tracks and even smoked a joint or two again. I became a doer and a leader. I saw my first psychiatrist and told him that I blew Hot n Cold and I thought I had SAD's.  He asked if I had heard of Bipolar Affective Disorder which I hadn't.  He explained it to me and I said "isn't that schizophrenia"?  He said "no! it is what is also known as manic depression".  I felt as if I had been kicked by a horse.  Me? mentally ill! surely not.  I only blow hot and cold, nothing wrong with that etc.,  He tried to get me to accept it although to this day I deny it sometimes.  He added the mood stabiliser, Lithium to my antidepressant Effexor.

I felt so good (hyper) that I took my pills only when when I remembered to, as I didn't think I needed them.  I often washed them down with a vodka and coke.  Drinking when you are on tablets is a bad idea and it made me stay high for most of the time.  But you see "I knew best".  My behaviour was pretty bad and my family were upset by the new me.   I resigned from court duty due to the bipolar diagnosis even though I was told to continue service.

Spur Of The Moment

I was sitting at my desk one day in October 2004 and decided that I needed to leave home.  I could have planned it but that just  isn't me.  I left my marriage "on the spur of the moment", well almost that.  I had wanted to leave a number of times before actually doing it.  I am not going to say here whether the idea was right or wrong, it is enough to say I did it.  I got a flat and stayed away from my family for 14 months.  I had a great time, making new friends  I saw new doctors and as I thought then I wasn't Bipolar I got  a second opinion. Answer, Not Bipolar!!  Yes I was!  I was all over the place organising things and doing anything that popped into my head.  Including a trip to Blackpool and a ride on the big rollercoaster in the pouring rain! But then again even when I am not in a high mood I want to be involved in everything.

I was happy most of the time with my flat and new life.  I saw a new psychiatrist and came off the medication.  The flat I had was in a very bad place and I was running up a lot of debt as I was paying for two homes but I was coping well otherwise off my medication.  But then the rollercoaster took me down. In December of 2005 I knew something was changing in me.  All the time I was away I was denying that there was anything wrong.  I honestly did not know what was going on.  I was in a daze with forgetfulness and was unable to concentrate or make a decision about anything.  I don't think I was very good company then.  I had become withdrawn and irritable.

Christmas day was a eye-opener for me.  We were helping a charity for the homeless in the city.  We were handing out Christmas gifts to the homeless and chatting to them over a cup of coffee.  One of the organisers said he thought mental health issues were a major reason why some of our "clients" had ended up where they were.  I told him I had a diagnosis as Bipolar and he introduced me to a couple of men who didn't mind answering my questions about their mental health because I told them that I had been diagnosed as Bipolar but I wasn't. I was still in denial about my bipolar diagnosis. The men that I talked to both said the same. Their doctors had diagnosed them as moody too but they didn't take meds because they had problems remembering to take them and they preferred to be high at times and feel good. 

I chatted with them about a lot of other things and they seemed happy enough despite their problems as homeless.  I tried to give one a lift to his sisters house but he preferred to walk. That guy left an impression on me. He was so proud but self-effacing, vulnerable but tough. I was so upset about the manic depression conversation with the itinerants I dwelled on it for the rest of Christmas day and decided to keep it to myself as I didn't want to face it by mentioning it to anyone else as I had convinced a lot of people that I was fine.

The next few days were ok but I was getting all the familiar physical symptoms back that I get when I am unwell with bipolar.  It came as a shock to me because at that stage I didn't think I was bipolar.  New years eve was approaching and I was going to spend it at a gig with friends.  It was a great night and I really enjoyed it with some friends that I liked a lot.  Three days later I was really very poorly.  What was up with me?  My mind kept going back to the itinerant guy on Christmas day, the way he walked off alone with his carrier bag filled with the presents we handed out to him.  I lay in bed in physical and mental pain with his words going through my mind. He had a family a job and a good home but something made him walk out on it. 

Then I remembered another Itinerant I had met some months before. He was well spoken, intelligent,  talented on guitar had had a good job and home but something had caused him to lose all that and live part of his time in a bus-shelter. I know that this guy had occasional psychotic ideas and talked about the town he lived in having it's own space agency. I had read of some manic depressives having psychosis like this so I had spoken to 3 Itinerants whom appeared to be Bipolar to me?  I could be wrong and they may just have said they were to make conversation with me. I will never know I suppose.

I could not get out of bed in the mornings during this spell, although I couldn't sleep. I was desperately trying to get well without telling anyone about being ill or worrying them about being Bipolar.  In depression I become withdrawn and shun contact with anyone even those I love.  I had arranged to visit my daughters a few days before and as I felt so bad I decided to ring them to say I couldn't make it.  No answer when I rang. I chopped and changed my mind about going.  I rang again intending to say I wasn't going but said I would go on the spur of the moment.  This was early January 2006.

When I got there my daughters and my wife were very upset by the ill condition I was in.  They called a doctor and I got something to help me sleep and he put me back on Effexor.  Apparently I had returned home! I had obviously walked out on my new life on the spur of the moment too, just as I had done to my wife.  I was in no fit state to do anything about it. If you are bipolar you will know what I mean. I managed to drag myself to work for 3 days then the depression worsened to the point where I was visited every day by a CPN from the crisis team. 

I Forgive myself

As I forgive myself, I leave behind all feelings of not being good enough,
and I am free to love myself

 

My worst ever depression - 2006

I couldn't do anything, driving was out of the question, leaving the house was out,  talking on the telephone was no good as I couldn't think straight enough to say anything.  I imagined that all of my friends etc had given up on me and here I was back in my family home and I didn't even know why. I wasn't able to decide if this was what I wanted.  Was coming back to my wife right or wrong?  I can appear selfish and unpredictable in this state.  If I have hurt you, sorry I am just trying to survive a terrible illness that often results in suicide and it could be my turn next.

The first week was peppered by suicidal thoughts although I made no move to do it.  Then I got a call from a friend, he offered to help me clear the flat out.  Without his call the suicidal thoughts may have haunted me longer.  He will never know just what a saviour he really was and the homeless guys too will always be in my thoughts as they showed me what may have happened to me, or may still happen to me because my life is no magic carpet ride. It is the biggest and fastest rollercoaster you could imagine.  Regrets! Yes and no!  Being bipolar is hard!  I am sick and tired of my mood swings and the affect they have on people around me.  I am on medication now and will never stop taking the pills as I know now how upsetting I can be to those around me without the medication. 

If you are looking for those 2 little words at the end of a story "The End" then they are hardly appropriate as my "illness" has no cure and although I am now stable on the cocktail of drugs prescribed for me each month I can soar up in the air on my out of control rollercoaster again, don't get too close to me as I may just drag you along with me and plummet right down.  This story is now right up to date, I will keep it updated and the medications page too. This story isn't finished by any means!

Unfinished May 2006

John

I am worth loving I do not have to earn love. I am lovable because I exist. Others reflect the love I have for myself.

If you love something set it free if it comes back it was meant to be.

Updated 29/07/2006

The rollercoaster took off in June, with me clinging to it.  I went high and my emotions were all over the place. Then I saw my CPN and doctor and my medications were altered. This slowed down the rollercoaster which is now bumping along on the bottom, I am depressed again. My mood took a slight upturn in October 2006 but is more or less stabilised slightly on the down side.

Updated 25/11/2006

Winter approaches and for me this is bad.  Almost a year since my worst ever depression and I am hoping that the depressing winter months don't trigger the rollercoaster off again

Updated 26/02/2007

I have survived most of the winter (bad time for me usually) without plummeting down into a serious depression.  My daily mood is low and my doctor is still trying to get my medications correct.

Updated 25/05/2007

After more than a year on Lithium it still hasn't worked properly, 6 months on Sodium Valproate and Olanzapine caused a massive weight gain and some hair loss but no relief from Manic Depression. Now I am facing up to coming off these 3 drugs and trying something else. Will I take off on the rollercoaster again?  probably!

Updated 16/06/2007

After 14 months of low moods peppered with an odd high my doctor has decided to take me off Lithium and Sodium Valproate and try something else.  I am now off the Sodium Valproate and I feel a little better.

Updated 02/05/2008

All of 2007 saw the doctor tweaking my medications with me jangling on the end!  No real improvements to my mood or physical symptoms then:

Sleep Apnoea with Bipolar 

I have had gone on for months on my medication, expecting an improvement in mood, tiredness and general unwell feelings.  I have been putting these symptoms down to Bipolar or side effects from my bipolar medications.

My doctor has suggested that I am describing sleep apnoea symptoms and she will eventually send me to my local hospitals sleep clinic but first I have to lose weight.  The extra weight I am carrying was gained as a side effect of my bipolar pills Sodium Valproate and Olanzapine.  It’s so easy to gain weight on these drugs but not so easy to lose it.

When I lose the weight and get treatment for Sleep Aponea it will be interesting to see if the symptoms I have decrease or even disappear.

If you are interested "watch this space"

John

The following link is to a word document that can help diagnose the illness so if you think you or a friend or family member may have Bipolar print it off and complete it then discuss the result with the family doctor

diagnostic questionnaire

I scored 22 on the questionnaire,

John

Walking Blues

Well, some people tell me that the worried blues ain't bad
Worst old feelin' I most ever had
Some people tell me that these old worried old blues ain't bad
It's the worst old feelin', I most ever had

I woke up this mornin', feelin' round for my shoes
Know by that I got these old walkin' blues, well
Woke this mornin' feelin’ round for my shoes
But you know by that, I got these old walkin' blues

Lord I feel like blowin’ my old lonesome horn
Got up this mornin’, my good mood was gone, Lord
I feel like blowin’ my lonesome horn
Well I got up this mornin’, whoa all I had was gone

Well, leave this mornin' if I have to, ride the blinds
I feel mistreated, and I don't mind dyin'
Leavin’ this mornin', if I have to ride the blind
Babe, I’ve been mistreated, baby and I don't mind dyin'

Well, some people tell me that the worried blues ain't bad
Worst old feelin' I most ever had
Some people tell me that these old worried old blues ain't bad
It's the worst old feelin', I most ever had

A traditional blues classic, that Robert Johnson recorded during

his session on November 27, 1936 in San Antonio. 

I could have written that song myself.

John

I Forgive myself

As I forgive myself, I leave behind all feelings of not being good enough,
and I am free to love myself

Affirmation for self forgiveness

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